It's been awhile.
I posted this on the website I moderate, and someone suggested I post it elsewhere. So, here it is:
Remade: I can tell you, down to the color of the carpet (Baptists will get this), what I think the ideal church should look like, act like.
In fact, that's the one thing I believe every Christian could agree with, aside from the death and resurrection of Christ. Honest.
LadyHawke: No carpet. Yuck.
Remade: We'll start a separate thread for the carpet. Seriously.
LadyHawke: *awaits with baited breath
As I said in another thread, there are about two things every Christian will agree on:
1. That Jesus Christ was born, lived, died, and resurrected.
2. That there is a perfect, idealized body of Christ, and that we are not currently attaining it.
Of course, I say this with regards to the Church body spanning many generations and the entire girth of this planet.
My closest friends and I often joke about what the perfect church would be. In fact, my best guy friend and I have a very detailed list just for fun, even if we're only half kidding.
If you're not a church brat, you may not get the full depth of this jaded, semi-twisted approach to church, but you'll still appreciate it, methinks.
The Church is the biggest, most diverse, dysfunctional, widespread, loving, sometimes spiteful family to ever grace the human race with its presence.
You've got the absentee Father, the loving Father, the disciplinarian Father, the grand Father.
You've got the motherly sort, the bride, damsel in distress, whore...
You've got the eldest Son, the prodigal, the traitor, the rebel, the deadbeat, the drunk, the glutton...even the fifth uncle twice removed that no one ever talks about.
You've got all seven deadly sins covered: gluttony, lust, pride, wrath (malice), sloth, greed, adultery. All ten commandments have been broken; the family's full of reprobates, murderers, slanderers, liars, and the like.
Indeed, there are six, even seven, things the Lord hates and can't stand, and we've broken all of them:
-haughty eyes
-a lying tongue
-hands that shed innocent blood
-a heart that devises evil schemes
-feet that are quick to rush into evil
-a false witness who pours out lies
-a man who stirs up dissension among his brothers
Indeed, we are one sick, twisted family.
Yet, despite this, and all you fellow church brats know it's true: Something is missing.
I mean, there's fund raisers and budgets, projects and Christmas specials. There's the new building that needs paying off and VBS coming up. There's six new Bible studies, and if you don't like that we'll throw you in the choir that looks like an army.
In fact, we're having a churchwide meeting to determine the new choir robes we're going to buy, and the sanctuary (scuse me, worship center) needs new carpet. Frankly, I'm sick of orange; how about a nice shade of green? Brown is so seventies; let's make it blue.
Let's get a disco ball and video games, and put in a coffee bar. Let's make a sports court and put in a small theatre for the arts ministries. The kids need a new playground, and I'm not sure if it should have three slides or four. If a kid falls from the monkey bars and breaks his arm, is the church liable?
We voted on the new pastor, but I don't like him. He talks funny, and I don't like the music now that he's here. Too many hymns, or too few.
Do we really have to sing from a screen? Can't we use hymnals? And I hate theater seating; there isn't enough room; let's go back to pews.
Come to think of it, who came up with pews? Isn't it just a bench with a cushion?
Should we put the baptistery up high over the choir loft or down front? Or anywhere at all? Or maybe we should christen instead of dunk. I mean, s'long as someone gets wet.
If the numbers are down, should we care or not? What if the tithes don't come in?
Should we have a band or an orchestra, or sing a capella?
There's never enough parking; I think we should use shuttles and golf carts and men with red vests. Maybe we build another campus and use TV and holograms. Or is that too Star Trekkish?
The worship leader needs to go; he moves too much and it distracts me. And, frankly, panning cameras distract me; I can't think over here. Then again, I'm too busy staring at this carpet over here.
No, I don't like the green. Let's go with blue. What do you think? Shall we vote? Elder board, deacon board, elders, and preachers; can't we decide who at least should be our teachers?
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