So it's been awhile, and many things have happened. My apologies for the lack of entries...Honestly, too much has been in my brain to make any sense of, much less articulate.
But maybe that's the point.
Eat,drink, and be merry
You know, I think I've tried everything. A rigid 'schedule' completely beyond the point of rationality. A life on the fly. Living solely by desire. Cutting things out of my life. Adding things to my life. Juggling. Stuffing my brain with doctrine - podcasts, books, studies, church. Anything else I could come up with.
Growing up I was involved in about every church activity possible. Then, in effort to flee all the behind-the-scenes dirtiness, I sidelined myself. Now...Well, moderation was never my strong suit.
In the end, of themselves, they're all ultimately killers, I think. Solomon had something going when he wrote Ecclesiastes.
But I think Solomon's point is often lost. Yes, Solomon tried everything. But the point is that he tried everything.
And I think as American believers we can understand this beyond the obvious -- beyond the sex, money, power, poverty, wisdom, and folly.
Solomon, in essence, was a control freak. This man practically lived the Scriptural concept of spiritual wealth. His father David went down in history for two things: His stupidity with Bathsheba and his heart that craved God above all else.
Some massive shoes to fill.
Solomon, like most of us in the Bible belt -- at least, like me -- was a spiritual glutton. And he was the 'pull yourself up by the bootstraps' type. And he loved the freedom he possessed.
In other words, Solomon believed himself entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Familiar refrain, isn't it?
Remember the Lord's day and keep it holy
So here I am. Divided, heart, soul, mind, body, and strength. I am sapped. Done. I don't even have tears. And I chase the wind. Why?
Because I want control.
I am in such a bloody knot right now. When I go to church, I think about my to-do list. When I sit down in private to study the Word, my to-do list haunts me. When I try to read a book, when I'm eating dinner. When I'm doing a thousand other things...
And another refrain fills my head:
"Cease striving. Why do you kick against the goads?
Cease striving. I have you now; I will not let you go.
Be still. Sit alone in silence.
Someone -- I can't remember who -- pointed out that only slaves work 24/7 without a rest. And yet the Lord, our Master, requires a day of rest. Requires a day in which we devote ourselves to his pleasure rather than our own, to his pleasure rather than another's. To his will. Not that of a boss. Not that of my own.
The Lord's will.
"God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in him" (John Piper).
So I think the point is this:
No amount of my planning, no amount of my striving, no amount of my fear of failure, my craving for control, is going to satisfy.
Even if I pull myself up by the bootstraps, even if I ever whip myself into shape...If the Lord is not pleased with his servant, I am nothing shy of pathetic. Pitiful.
There are four kinds of soil the seed falls upon: barren ground, a hard-packed path, weedy ground, and fertile soil.
Dear God Most High, be glorified; make me a blessing for the world to see. Teach me to abide in thee. Feed me, water me, sustain me; be my lifeblood. Grow me into an oak tree planted by eternal streams. And when I at last reach the end of this blood-riddled road, let me a drink offering be; let me please thee.